day nineteen: praying BIG is repenting. part two.

Today we braved the gross, rainy weather to scout out a "big pumpkin."  The last two times we've gone grocery shopping Karis has BEGGED me for a big pumpkin.  One thing you might not know about me is that I despise having to carry heavy things.  When I worked for Young Life, of all the difficult things the job required of me, my very least favorite thing of the job was lugging the sound system and overhead projector and giant tupperware bins all over the place.  I think this averison to carrying heavy things may be exaggerated lately since I spend a lot of time carrying an adorable 17 pound six month old.  So, knowing that pumpkins are heavy, I tried to divert Karis' enthusiasm about the "big pumpkins" by buying her a 50 cent little pumpkin you're supposed to make pie with.  It didn't work.  She has asked with impressive persistence for a "big pumpkin" daily.

So since today is our day off in the week as a family that meant that today was the day that all of Karis' pumpkin dreams were to come true.  I dressed the girls in overalls, we loaded up and took a five minute trip down to Mr. B's pumpkin patch.

Holidays are infinitely more fun with a three year old.  Her genuine, overflowing enthusiasm over pumpkins and blow up inflatables and trains is contagious.  Life through her eyes during holidays is truly magical.

But if you know a three year old, you know that along with the joy and amazing imagination and moments of sweetness also comes an equal amount of attitude, temper tantrums, independence-asserting, and refusal to share things.  And one of the gazillions of things that I've learned from Karis in this season is how it is innate in us not to repent.  9 times out of 10 the only reason why she says sorry for something is because we tell her that she needs to.

And even though we can teach her to say sorry by making her do it, it's occurred to me that the only way to teach her how to repent is by modeling it.  I can't force her to be repentant, but I can show her what it looks like to be repentant when I ask for her forgiveness for not paying attention to her.  Or when she sees Brett apologize to me. Or--and this is my newest revelation--when she hears me say I'm sorry to the Lord when we're praying.

Which means that I've got to repent.  Which means I have to be sick with my sin.  Which means that I have to acknowledge that I sin.  Which means that I need help.  And you can ask anyone in my family, but pride is something that runs deep in our blood and it's one of the biggest things that keeps me from this enormously important act of worship.

Repenting is what clears the way in my heart for praying BIG.  Being honest before the Lord and knowing that because my offenses against Him are great, His mercy is even greater.  And when I experience that kind of forgiveness, the sin in my life loses its power and I'm left open to ask big, listen well, pray His character, dig through Scripture, and believe His promises in prayer with a confidence that my unrepentant heart doesn't allow.

Psalm 51 is always my go-to to help me find the words to say I'm sorry.  The first half is admission of sin and begging for mercy (v.1-12)

Have mercy on me, O God, according to Your unfailing love; according to Your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. (Psalm 51:1-2)

But then the second half moves to what happens in our hearts when we repent.  As forgiven sinners, our hearts break for the sin in this world and the people whose lives are riddled with it and ruined by it.

...THEN I will teach transgressors Your ways, and sinners will turn back to You. Save me from bloodguilt, O God, the God who saves me, and my tongue will sing of Your righteousness. O Lord, open my lips and my mouth with declare Your praise.

(Psalm 51:13-15)

When I am honest about my sin, sickened by it, and repent of it, my heart is changed and instead of just praying, I begin praying so much BIGGER than myself.  

Lord Jesus, create in me a pure heart that is humble enough to say sorry, that hungers and thirsts for righteousness so much that I am sickened by my sin, and when forgiven, breaks for those around me so much that I am driven to my knees.

See y'all tomorrow for "praying BIG is being weak. part two." :)