day twentynine & thirty: praying BIG with a heavenly mentality.

Today I went to one of the most beautiful funerals I've ever been to.  As a Christian,  mourning is so complex.  And today I felt that because as deeply as I grieved for Alex, I equally rejoiced that Jay is where we are all longing to be. 

And as I heard three men I admire and respect so much talk about Jay and his life, it hit me.  Praying BIG is having a heavenly mentality.

 Even though Jay and Alex prayed for Jay's healing, I know that they prayed bigger than that.  I know that because I know that they have been captured by the love Jesus and that it's imprinted in their hearts to want what He wants because they trust He is good.  And so I know that Jay and Alex also prayed along with Jesus in the garden of Gesthemane: "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me.  YET, not as I will but as you will." (Matthew 26:39)

We are not citizens of this earth, but of heaven.  But AHH, y'all, the thought of death is scary and hard and sad. What a comfort that Jesus felt the same way going into His death.  Granted, He was about to take on the sin of the world and be separated from His Father, but still, knowing that He felt the human emotions that go along with dying encourages me.  My God isn't distant, He KNOWS pain.  He even admits it to some of his disciples a few verses earlier, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death." (Matthew 26:38)

But nothing deterred Him from the cross.  He had a heavenly mentality.  Not just for Himself, but for the whole world.  Jesus laid down His life so that we could all be citizens of heaven where we will be rid of all of this pain and suffering we are plagued by and entrenched in in this world.

Thanks, Jay and Alex, for having a heavenly mentality.  Thanks for using this terrible pain to point to Jesus.  Thanks for being brave and trusting enough to let the word "YET" into your prayers "...not as I will, but as you will" because you trust your Heavenly Father.

Oh Jesus, would you please re-teach me how to pray?  Keep my eyes off of things of this world and fixed intensely on You and the hope of heaven.  Mold my desires so that I can pray with my heart proclaiming that "Everything else is worthless when compared to the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as rubbish, so that I could gain Christ." (Philippians 3:8)

Jay Wesley Whitaker
DURHAM - Jay Wesley Whitaker, of Durham, passed away Friday, October 25, 2013 at Duke University Hospital.  Born in Durham County, Mr. Whitaker was the son of Kelly Jay Whitaker and Vickie Whitaker Masingale (married to Chris Masingale).  Mr. Whitaker was preceded in death by his step-father, Jay Jarman.  Mr. Whitaker was involved with Young Life, a Christian outreach ministry for high school students. Jay spent his life building relationships with people and sharing the Gospel of God’s great love to all who knew him.
In addition to his parents, Mr. Whitaker is survived by his wife, Alex Wilcox Whitaker; a brother, Joey Lee Whitaker; grandparents, Carl and Wandra Griffin, Helen Whitaker and Brenda Jarman; numerous aunts, uncles and cousins; a mother and father-in-law, Tina and Jim Wilcox; and a sister-in-law, Anna Wilcox.
A funeral service will be conducted 2 p.m. on Wednesday at Rose of Sharon Baptist Church with Jeff McSwain, Sid Bradsher and Eric Leathers officiating.  A private graveside service will be in the Rose of Sharon Baptist Church Cemetery.  The family will receive friends from 5 to 8 p.m. on Tuesday at Clements Funeral Home.
In lieu of flowers, memorial contributions may be made to Young Life to help send high school students to camp.  Make check payable to Young Life, attention Jay Whitaker fund, 1008 Brookstown Ave., Suite D3, Winston-Salem, NC 2710

day twentyseven & twentyeight: pray BIG all the time.

I love that this is a thing now.  Go search it on Pinterest and spend 10 minutes laughing.  I just did.  You're welcome for the free laugh.

But seriously, how many times a day do I hear this or say this out loud or just to myself?  Too many.  It's so easy for my day to just happen to me instead of being intentional with how I spend my hours and minutes and seconds.  And one of the easiest things to say "ain't nobody got time for that" about is prayer.

I have loved working with college students the last nine years.  Seriously, it's been such a joy.  And I don't know if this is a stretch or not, but I feel like I can say this with a decent amount of confidence, but I'm pretty sure every single girl I ever talked to would say at some point "I'm just so busy, I don't have time for that."  And girls, if you're reading, you know that I love you, but a lot of times they would say this after describing to me how they woke up at 9, went to class, had lunch with some people and took a nap while watching re-runs of Dawson's Creek.

Now I love me some Dawson's Creek and I LOVE a nap, but no, sweet girls, you do have time.

In fact, we all have time.  24 hours a day, in fact.  Every single one of us gets the same number of seconds in a day.  And we all get to choose what we want to do with our time.  One thing I know is that at the end of my life, I want people to have known that I chose Jesus by choosing to make prayer a major part of my days.

1 Thessalonians 5:16 says "Pray continually." In the craziness of my life right now, I'm learning how to do this.  In the 30 seconds when I'm microwaving my cold coffee.  While I'm washing my hands on the miraculous trip to the bathroom by myself.  For the people who have sent me emails I'm responding to.  Thanking Jesus for His provision while I pay our bills.  For patience and wisdom when I reach the end of my rope with parenting. While we sing along to Praise Baby in the car.

We do have time for things.  It's just a matter of what we choose.  These days, I'm shooting to make praying BIG happen in my life by praying all the time.  And KFC.  :)

day twentysix: praying BIG while singing hymns.

What a friend we have in Jesus,

all our sins & griefs to bear!

What a privilege to carry

everything to God in prayer.

Oh what peace we often forfeit,

oh what needless pain we bear,

all because we do not carry

everything to God in prayer.

Have we trials & temptations?

Is there trouble anywhere?

We should never be discouraged,

take it to the Lord in prayer.

Can we find a friend so faithful

who will all our sorrows share?

Jesus knows our every weakness,

take it to the Lord in prayer.

Are we weak & heavy laden

cumbered with a load of care?

Precious Savior, still our refuge,

take it to the Lord in prayer.

Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?
Take it to the Lord in prayer!

In His arms He'll take & shield thee,

Thou wilt find a solace there.

--What A Friend We Have In Jesus
Joseph M Scriven, 1855

day twentyfive: praying BIG is letting people into your heart.

If you've known me for longer than six hours, you've probably heard me talk about BSF.  It's an international inductive Bible study that digs deep, verse by verse into Scripture.  It also happens to be super special to me because now five generations of women in my family have been in it (my great-grandma, grandma, mom & aunt, me, and now Karis & Haddie).

 (Mom, me, 3 month old Karis, and Grandma in December 2010)

I started going six years ago after hearing my mom and grandma and Ann Reynolds and Jean Motsinger talk about it so much.  I was longing to have a place where I could rely on having some good, dig-deep Bible teaching but I didn't want to do small Bible studies where I would know everyone because after three years in ministry, I was in relationship-overload-mode and wanted some time away to study the Bible and breathe deep.

So I walked in to BSF determined to study the mess out of the Bible but avoid people--just a slip in and slip out kind of thing.

The overview of a morning at BSF is this.  There are 500 women in our class.  You all start out together and worship.  Then you go to your discussion group--where you talk about the lesson for that week with about 10-15 other women.  After that, everyone gets back together to hear a lecture.  At the end of lecture you pick up your notes (a commentary on the text you just studied) and questions for next week's study.

Since I was wanting to be non-relational, the discussion group aspect was not super exciting to me, but I figured I could just listen and not talk too much so as to invite relationships.  But then at the end of that time, they do "ASK's" which is where they share prayer requests and so as a part of the group, they ask you to pray. I thought that was harmless enough.  So I started going--talking minimally--mostly just listening and praying.

And I'll be darned if listening and praying didn't break open my heart to relationships.

The week I joined (I joined later in the year so groups had already been formed), another girl joined with me.  We got put in the same group.  She was 25 and a sweet, Southern girl with a deep sense of humility that accompanied her shyness.  Being friends with her seemed innocent enough, so I asked her to sit with me during lecture and of course, I prayed for her like I did the rest of my group.

A couple weeks into going, just as I had hit my stride of going, listening and praying and talking minimally, our discussion group leader was sharing the prayer requests people had asked her to share with us and she mentioned this girl's name.  My ears perked up a little extra.  She was asking for prayer because her husband of a year had cheated on her and just asked for a divorce.  My heart broke.

I prayed and prayed for her that week.  And the next and the next, until would you know it, I had done exactly what I had set out not to do.  I made a friend.

I share all of this simply to say that when we pray for people we let them into our hearts.  There's no way that you can really pray for someone and not care a lick about them.  I think that's why when Jesus said "Love your enemies" He also added "and pray for those who persecute you."  (Matthew 5:44)  Because when you pray for someone, even an enemy or someone who persecutes you, it opens up your heart so that you can love them.

Today, Jay Whitaker went to be with Jesus.  It's funny that I've blogged so much about him because I didn't really spend much time with Jay.  I've just prayed for him and Alex.  And in praying for them, my heart has broken wide open and I love the mess out of them.  And today, praying for Alex and for my other dear friends who adored Jay, my heart hurts, too.

Because that's what praying BIG does.  It breaks our hearts open to love.

day twentyfour: praying BIG is trust without borders.

I can't even count the number of times I said today, "Karis, I need you to trust mama."  And every single time I said it to her, I knew that the Lord was saying this same thing to me.

(K: "Mama can we go to Chick Fil A?" Me: "Yes, shug. I told you we could, I need you to trust mama.")

And so for the rest of the day I've been wrestling as I pray with why in the world trusting is so hard.  I pray for these people and these things but it's so hard to really just lay them at the Lord's feet and TRUST.

As I sat down to write this post I laughed realizing that I never have to tell Haddie to trust me.  It's the only thing she knows how to do because I'm the only option she has.  She CAN'T trust in herself because she can't do anything for herself yet (except suck her two little fingers. :))  Trusting me is Haddie's only option.

Seems to me that one of the biggest reasons for the fall is that Eve didn't trust God.  When the enemy showed up in the garden, it seems as if his strategy was to plant a seed a doubt in Eve's mind. "Did God REALLY say...?" In her doubt, did Eve forget that God was good?  That He loved her?  That He would give her everything she needed for life?

Eve forgot that trusting God was her only option for real life.  And I wish I could say she was the last one to do that, but I am one of her descendents and I know distrust entirely too well.  Like a three year-old trying to assert their independence, I've tried to take control of my life, too.

And I try to take control of my prayers.  Every time I pray I am tempted to believe that me praying--praying BIG even--means that I have the power to make something happen.  And even though I know and believe in the very depths of who I am that He honors our prayers, I'm not the one who makes the calls at the end of the day.

I've prayed for Jay Whitaker to be healed every day since he was diagnosed with leukemia.  This week the doctors told him and his sweet wife, Alex, that he probably only has weeks left until He goes to be with Jesus.  And as I've wrestled with how to pray for the Whitakers in light of this--how do we pray BIG when God isn't answering our prayers the way we want Him to--I'm learning that praying BIG is following Jesus into deeper and deeper trust with the way He receives and responds to our prayers.

My sweet friend, Rachypoo, put this song on her blog and as I listened to it last night I wept, knowing that this is what the Lord is doing in my life right now.  Chances are, He's doing it in your life, too.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet would ever wander and my faith would be made stronger in the presence of my Savior." 

The reality is that we are all like Haddie.  Trusting Jesus is our only real option.  And so tonight what I'm learning is that praying BIG is putting it all out there at the feet of Jesus and TRUSTING.

day twentythree: praying BIG with greta schrumm

To pray is to laugh, 

whistle, 

dance on happy feet, 

sing, 

shout 

and jump higher than ever before. 

But it is also to whisper, 

wonder, 

stumble in dark places, 

cry, 

scream 

or just hold a tired head in tired hands and wait... 

Prayer is our tired bodies reaching out 

to the One who holds us closer & loves us more 

than we would dare imagine. 

-Greta Schrumm

days twentyone & twentytwo: praying BIG with a heavy heart.

I decided to take a blog Sabbath yesterday and let it be a "just for you" day.  I'll never forget when I was on assignment at SharpTop Cove the summer of 2007 and the Lord taught me the principle of "just for you."  Being on Young Life staff, you lead lots of meetings and give lots of talks about Jesus and meet with lots of people to chat about Jesus.  Which is an amazing privilege.  But it can also quickly turn into taking everything in your life--especially what you're learning about the Lord personally--and turning it into something to use for ministry.

And so that summer I was exhausted and I remember as clear as day the light bulb going off in my head.  And then the Lord softly saying, "There are some things I give you that are JUST FOR YOU. You don't need to share them to encourage others.  Sit in it and let Me encourage you through it."

So yesterday, I let my rambles and thoughts and realizations be between me and the Lord and it was sweet.  I also got to spend time with these people I love so so much and I am so grateful.

And I'm so thankful I took that rest because today my heart is HEAVY.  Like a load of bricks.  Today as I prayed for a bunch of people who I love who are trudging through crappy, hard days of life I felt like I was just craaaaawling at a turtle's pace to the feet of Jesus and wanting to just lay down and give up.  Heavy.

Why does life hurt so bad?  That was the question I asked Jesus the night I finally got real with Him.  I was a senior in college and up until that point I had gone to church and prayed a lot and memorized Bible verses and really did believe in God and was generally a good girl but one night things just came to a head for me.  It felt like that night everything that had hurt throughout life just hurt BAD that night and that question came spilling out of my mouth.  Out loud and with some sass that isn't typical for my laid back personality: WHY DOES LIFE HURT SO BAD?

And you know what?  I think that's one of the best prayers I ever prayed.  Because He answered and my heart burst open to receive Him in a way I never could have before unless I had gotten honest and real with Him.

For some reason that night I found myself reading the book of Job.  All 42 chapters.  Job's life sucked.  That's really the most eloquent way to put it.  And so for 37 chapters, Job and his friends lament and essentially ask that question: "Why does life hurt so bad?"  But then in chapter 38 it says: "Then the Lord answered Job out of the storm..." 

Thank you, Lord, that you HEAR and you ANSWER.  You heard Job.  You hear me.  You hear the cries of all of us aching for peace and healing and joy in this anxiety-ridden, sick, frustrating, exhausting, mean world that we live in. 

I know this is a long post so if you've made it this far, congrats.  And if you have it in you to read some more, read Job 38-41 of God's response to Job.  And if you don't have it in you to read, watch it here in the Nooma video Whirlwind.  (Disclaimer: I love this video.  I do not love Rob Bell's theology.  At all.)

Hannah and Michael VanPatter's little boy, Watts, was diagnosed with infant leukemia when he was 10 months old.  They started a blog that is stunningly beautifully written--especially for a family going through a heart wrenching season of life.  I always start reading it to know how to pray but finish reading encouraged deeply.

What Hannah wrote today was perfect for my heavy heart:

I long to not be here. I long for all to be well in Watts' body, for cancer to not exist, for our days to be filled with park trips and play dates, and to not have to gather hair from my son's bed. As I shuffle past so many aching families in the halls of this floor, I long to make it all go away. Some stories I know, most I don't, but the weariness and grief I can see all around me. It is all wrong, really. All terribly, terribly wrong. 

This aching broken world, what hope is there in it? Death is inevitable, it haunts the healthiest of us, and ultimately strips us of all earthly loves. We walk through our days not knowing what tomorrow will bring, not knowing the number of our days. How does one live in a place of such fragility? How does one not break under fear of the unknown, the pain that inevitably lies up ahead?

We were made for something more. A broken Eden has us all breathlessly waiting and crying out for His return, for our true home, where all shall be made right. Cancer and death will have no place. Aching hearts will be filled. He will be there.

In the meantime, as we all trudge through these weary days, each of us facing our own challenges of sorts, of this I know: God is for me (Psalm 56). He rides the storm, holds me up in the darkest hour, and gives meaning to the bleak days. Oh Lord, you have been good to me. Come quickly.

Yes Jesus, please, come quickly.  Your presence IS peace and wholeness and healing and joy.  You are what we long for.  Come, Lord Jesus, COME.

day twenty: raising our hands & praying BIG.

Today Brett had the opportunity to preach at Grace Community Church in Greensboro.  We went there a few years back before Brett started his internships during seminary and it's the church that I've probably felt most at home in.  It was fun being there this Sunday seeing old friends we love and also getting a taste of the amazing ways God is moving in and through them these days.  But here was one of the biggest highlights for me:

She loves to come into the service with me now and "listen to daddy preach" and she really does a great job sitting still for the most part.  It makes it hard to focus sometimes with her in there with me, but on the whole, it's been a blessing to watch her learn what it's like to corporately worship as a church.  Today, she stood like this "praising to Jesus" as she puts it, through the entirety of "It Is Well."  And she wasn't trying to be cute--it was like she knew that putting her hands up meant that she was taking worship seriously or something.

The funny thing is that she definitely doesn't get this hand raising thing from me or Brett.  Brett is so tall that if he raised his hands in worship, no one would be able to see around him.  :)  And I remember when I tried to raise my hands in worship when I first really started following Jesus and it was just awkward and distracted me pretty badly.  My grandmother has raised her hands in worship for as long as I can remember and makes it look so worshipful and so I think I imagined that it would feel the way she made it look.  But when I gave it a shot, it just didn't work.

Another funny thing about raising hands in worship is this video.  It's 2:51 of a good laugh at us church people.

But really, my heart was humbled and my eyes were opened watching my little girl stretch her hands up while we worshiped this morning thinking about this practice of lifting our hands.  All day I've had this image of her with her hands stretched all day and just knew the Lord wanted to open my eyes to praying BIG in that, so I did a little digging in an incredible book/resource on prayer called Between Heaven & Earth by Ken Gire.

Remember how I wrote that post about how I love books?  Have I proved it yet by talking about seven gazillion of them in only twenty days of posting?  In the words of all my lovely Elon friends, #sorryimnotsorry. 

The book is just a giant compilation of hundreds of different people and the many things they've said about prayer over the centuries.  There's a section about raising hands in prayer that David E. Rosage wrote that caught my attention:

"To You I stretch my hands." Psalm 88:10

"Raising our arms in prayer is an eloquent way of expressing some dispositions that are essential to sincere prayer.  In the first place, lifting our hands with our palms open and upward is a way of expressing our total offering of self to the Lord... Second, hands raised in prayer indicate our willingness to respond to whatever the Lord might ask of us... Raising our hands in prayer is also a way of breaking down many of our inhibitions. It opens us to begin expressing ourselves honestly and sincerely."

Watching Karis with her hands stretched high and then reading those words, I could sense God saying to me--"Praying BIG is coming to Me like a child.  With no inhibitions.  You don't need to use Christian-ese words.  You don't need to pray like other people.  You don't need to try to impress me.  JUST COME TO ME.  Honestly.  Humbly. Sincerely. And with no inhibitions.  And when you can have that posture--then we can do BIG things in prayer together."

"I stretch out my hands to You, my soul thirsts for You like parched land." Psalm 143:6

day nineteen: praying BIG is repenting. part two.

Today we braved the gross, rainy weather to scout out a "big pumpkin."  The last two times we've gone grocery shopping Karis has BEGGED me for a big pumpkin.  One thing you might not know about me is that I despise having to carry heavy things.  When I worked for Young Life, of all the difficult things the job required of me, my very least favorite thing of the job was lugging the sound system and overhead projector and giant tupperware bins all over the place.  I think this averison to carrying heavy things may be exaggerated lately since I spend a lot of time carrying an adorable 17 pound six month old.  So, knowing that pumpkins are heavy, I tried to divert Karis' enthusiasm about the "big pumpkins" by buying her a 50 cent little pumpkin you're supposed to make pie with.  It didn't work.  She has asked with impressive persistence for a "big pumpkin" daily.

So since today is our day off in the week as a family that meant that today was the day that all of Karis' pumpkin dreams were to come true.  I dressed the girls in overalls, we loaded up and took a five minute trip down to Mr. B's pumpkin patch.

Holidays are infinitely more fun with a three year old.  Her genuine, overflowing enthusiasm over pumpkins and blow up inflatables and trains is contagious.  Life through her eyes during holidays is truly magical.

But if you know a three year old, you know that along with the joy and amazing imagination and moments of sweetness also comes an equal amount of attitude, temper tantrums, independence-asserting, and refusal to share things.  And one of the gazillions of things that I've learned from Karis in this season is how it is innate in us not to repent.  9 times out of 10 the only reason why she says sorry for something is because we tell her that she needs to.

And even though we can teach her to say sorry by making her do it, it's occurred to me that the only way to teach her how to repent is by modeling it.  I can't force her to be repentant, but I can show her what it looks like to be repentant when I ask for her forgiveness for not paying attention to her.  Or when she sees Brett apologize to me. Or--and this is my newest revelation--when she hears me say I'm sorry to the Lord when we're praying.

Which means that I've got to repent.  Which means I have to be sick with my sin.  Which means that I have to acknowledge that I sin.  Which means that I need help.  And you can ask anyone in my family, but pride is something that runs deep in our blood and it's one of the biggest things that keeps me from this enormously important act of worship.

Repenting is what clears the way in my heart for praying BIG.  Being honest before the Lord and knowing that because my offenses against Him are great, His mercy is even greater.  And when I experience that kind of forgiveness, the sin in my life loses its power and I'm left open to ask big, listen well, pray His character, dig through Scripture, and believe His promises in prayer with a confidence that my unrepentant heart doesn't allow.

Psalm 51 is always my go-to to help me find the words to say I'm sorry.  The first half is admission of sin and begging for mercy (v.1-12)

Have mercy on me, O God, according to Your unfailing love; according to Your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. (Psalm 51:1-2)

But then the second half moves to what happens in our hearts when we repent.  As forgiven sinners, our hearts break for the sin in this world and the people whose lives are riddled with it and ruined by it.

...THEN I will teach transgressors Your ways, and sinners will turn back to You. Save me from bloodguilt, O God, the God who saves me, and my tongue will sing of Your righteousness. O Lord, open my lips and my mouth with declare Your praise.

(Psalm 51:13-15)

When I am honest about my sin, sickened by it, and repent of it, my heart is changed and instead of just praying, I begin praying so much BIGGER than myself.  

Lord Jesus, create in me a pure heart that is humble enough to say sorry, that hungers and thirsts for righteousness so much that I am sickened by my sin, and when forgiven, breaks for those around me so much that I am driven to my knees.

See y'all tomorrow for "praying BIG is being weak. part two." :)

day seventeen & eighteen: praying BIG is repenting & being weak.

Oh y'all.  The last two nights I've chosen rich, deep conversations instead of writing this blog.  Sheesh.  But I do have lots stored up and coming soon.  :)

Tonight I'm stewing on two things: 1. Praying BIG is repenting.  2. Praying BIG is knowing God is strong.

So here's the teaser and tomorrow I'll elaborate more.

Praying BIG is repenting.  When we don't repent of the things that displace God in our life, we, in essence, block Him from potentially BIG plans.

"Have mercy on me, O God, according to Your unfailing love; according to Your great compassion, blot out my transgressions." 

Psalm 51:1 

Praying BIG is knowing God is strong.  It is when I REALLY acknowledge and submit to the fact that even at my strongest I am WEAK, I pray the biggest. When I wrap my mind around and submit to the fact that I have no strength outside of Christ, the value of prayer being the greater work becomes infinitely greater.

"I must refuse to entertain the notion that my work can be done through any other strength but God's and to any other end besides His glory." 

-Gloria Furman Jesus Cancelled Your Mommy Guilt Trip

See y'all tomorrow...unless a good conversation comes along.  :)

day sixteen: praying BIG is listening well.

The sweetest moments in my life have been the ones where I have clearly heard God's voice.  I'll never forget them.  That time at Frontier Ranch as a the summer after my freshman year of high school. The time I was in my bedroom as a senior in college at Appalachian when I was heartbroken.  The time Brett and I were engaged.  The time I was sitting in the recliner in our tiny little first home. (400 square feet. :)) The night that Karis was born as I watched Brett sing over her.

I forget WAY too often that prayer is a conversation and that that means LISTENING as much as talking.  Or maybe even listening MORE than talking.  After all, as they say, we have two ears and just one mouth.  Eek.  That's convicting.

Tonight I wonder what kind of BIG things the Lord would be doing in my life if I would just listen.

"[The Shepherd] calls His own sheep BY NAME and LEADS THEM out. When He has brought out all His own, He GOES ON AHEAD OF THEM, and His sheep FOLLOW Him because they KNOW HIS VOICE."

John 10:3-4

If I would listen, I would hear the kindness and gentleness in His voice of Him calling me BY NAME.  If I would listen, I would have peace in hearing Him leading me and telling me which way to go.  If I would listen, I would experience comfort as I watch as He GOES AHEAD OF ME.  If I would listen, I would FOLLOW because I would KNOW HIS VOICE and know Him to be my Good Shepherd.

(I don't have any pictures for this post so this is my best effort. It's no Sidney Scott, but it'll do. :))

This is a prayer that I pray often--His voice the loudest--but I don't stop often enough to make the space to LISTEN.  So tonight while I do the dishes and laundry and vacuum I'm going to make space.  And then I'm going to set aside 15 minutes just to "sit and stare at the wall" as I like to call it.  Just empty space for Jesus to come in.

COME, LORD JESUS, COME.

day fifteen: praying BIG matthew 11:28-30.

Tonight praying BIG is praying these words for myself and so many people I love.  AND BELIEVING THEM.

Rest doesn't come from 8 hours of sleep.  Or a stress free day.  Because even if we have those things, our souls will always be restless for Jesus.

Rest is the presence of Jesus.  And tonight, I am tired and weary, and so praying BIG for me and for the people I love who are even more exhausted than I am is walking/dragging/crawling up to the feet of Jesus and claiming this promise--when I come to Him, it is there that I find true rest.

Thank you, Jesus for this gift--not just of rest, but of HOPE in You.

day fourteen: praying BIG like miss johnson.

I loved Mrs. Doubtfire as a kid.  I'll never forget watching it for the first time and loving it. 

 
I will also never forget when my grandparents gave me this book and told me how wonderful it was. 

Being an admitted book-cover-judger, I had a really hard time getting over the uncanny similarities.  But I am SO GLAD that I did.  Because Miss Johnson, as the founder of BSF and amazing woman of God became known as, lived life WELL and reading about it in this biography was not only encouraging and full of incredible stories of seeing God move but was also convicting and challenging.

Hands down, it is Miss Johnson's willingness to pray BIG that really challenged me and got me on my knees, asking the Lord to give me a heart that would be willing to pray like she did.  There were two prayers in this book that have stuck with me and tonight, they are convicting me all over again.

"Lord, I am hungry, AT ANY COST, for You. If this is of You and Your purpose for me, I WILL GO through with it--but please make sure I am in Your will."

& 

"Lord, I am WILLING AT ANY COST that Thy death be worked out in me in order that Thy resurrection life may be manifested."

The past couple weeks, I have been wrestling with the Lord about something that is really a great thing that I have been holding onto and wondering if He is asking me to let go.  Tonight, as He brought these prayers back to mind, I was hit in the gut once again.  AT ANY COST.  Everything in my flesh is resisting me praying these words but I can almost literally feel the Spirit holding me tight and the safety of His presence gives me the courage to do it.

(Thanks for this encouragement, Sidney. :))

So tonight, praying BIG is praying like Miss Johnson who gave up her life and what God did with it has blessed multiple generations of people seeking to study God's Word.  Including my great-grandmother, grandmother, mom, aunt, me, and now my two precious girls who go with me.  To say I am thankful is a profound understatement. 

Lord Jesus, help me to count the cost and find that NO AMOUNT is too high a price to pay to be called Your servant and to be used by You.

day thirteen: praying BIG is simply praying to a BIG GOD.

A few years ago, my mom found my Christmas list from 1993, when I was 11, and sent it to me.  I love so much about this list. For example--my bad grammar, the misspelled words and my love of American Girl and Babysitter's Club books.  But what I love the most is my categories that start after #5 "What I know I won't get but I want" and then "Things I want but I'm POSITIVE I won't get."

I love that even though I felt like I knew enough about what mom would and wouldn't get for me, I still asked.  And I didn't ask small, either, y'all.  I unashamedly asked for not only NEW CONSTRUCTION on the house (my own bathroom) but for a TV--which is an even bigger/not-gonna-happen request than my own bathroom in the bookworm/anti-TV household I grew up in.

I admire my 11 year old guts to ask big, but at the same time I'm not surprised that I asked because I knew WHO I was asking to.  My mom.  I knew undoubtedly that my mom loved me and loved to give me good things.  So it only made sense for me to ask her for BIG things and not hold back.

 

 (Me and mom in Italy drinking "Coca Cola Light" :) back in 2009.)

So today, praying BIG is praying to my God who is BIG. He is my Creator. (Genesis 1, Psalm 139) He is my Kinsman-Redeemer. (Ruth 4) He is Love. (1 John 3) He is my Keeper. (Psalm 121)  He is my perfect Judge. (Isaiah 3:13) He is my Shepherd. (Isaiah 40:11) He is strong and mighty. (Psalm 24:8) He is my Father. (Matthew 6:8)

Praying BIG is simply praying to my Father who is BIG.

day twelve: praying BIG is praying the Lord's prayer.

A lot of times I think too much about things.  I was an English major and so I was taught how to read into ev.ery.thing.  But then sometimes things really do make sense in the most simple way. 

For example: the Lord's prayer.  The last couple days as I've prayed about what to write it keeps coming back to mind.  And tonight it hit me--praying the Lord's prayer is praying BIG JUST BECAUSE JESUS TOLD US TO.  I can't wait to give my kids that excuse as they get older. "But why, mommy?"  "Just because I said so." It's like the trump card of all trump cards. 

But really, the Lord's prayer is how Jesus taught His disciples to pray and He never did anything small--so praying the Lord's prayer is how I'm praying BIG tonight.  Whether you're a debts/debtors person or trespasses/tresspassers type :), join along with me in praying BIG the words He taught us to pray:

(Pinterest snag from here.)

day eleven: praying BIG is praying globally.

Every night, as a family we pray for a GOB LOAD of kids that we love:

"Jesus, we pray for Karis, Gabe, Naomi, Crews, Tate, Adah, Canaan, Maggie, Peter, Wonyaka, Landon, Haddie Jo, Cora, Jeremiah, Katie's new baby on the way, Casey's new baby on the way, Olivia's new baby on the way, and Courtney's new baby on the way that they would know you from a young age and be passionate about following you." (Seriously, y'all, there is something in the water in Alamance County.  EVERYONE married and of childbearing age is preggers. I love it. :))

It's a mouthful, but it's more than worth it to bring those precious little ones to Jesus nightly. They are all either our two girls, family, or our friends' kiddos--except for Peter and Wonyaka. They are two boys that we've never met and who live on the other side of the world.  They are our Compassion kids and even though we have gotten terrible at writing them since Haddie was born, praying for them--even just mentioning their name to the Father every day--makes me pray BIGGER.

Most of my days are filled with cleaning our house, reading books, preparing and planning meals, hanging out with people, doing dishes, trying to figure out how many days it's been since we vacuumed, disciplining and loving and training, snuggling, changing diapers, folding laundry but not putting it away, cutting and painting little girls' toenails, reading more books, picking up toys, cleaning applesauce packets out of the corners of my car, and the list goes on.  And in all of that, it's so easy to forget.  This is not all there is to life! And I'm not just called to serve me and mine but to "go and make disciples of ALL NATIONS." (Matthew 28:19)  

And so from where I sit in this house, with these two little girls, and as a wife to my favorite pastor, and in this community where we live, I'm learning that part of the way I am to fulfill this great commission is to pray BIG.  Not just praying for what I can see and who I know, but for the billions I don't know, who I don't see, but who God knows, loves, created, sees, and is pursuing. 

There are lots of ministries that are fulfilling this call and sharing the Gospel across the globe and one way I am praying BIG right now is praying for them.  Samaritan's Purse.  Compassion International.  And Uhuru Child.  Uhuru is a ministry founded by some of our friends through Young Life, Brad and Annie Brown.  One girl who was on my summer staff at Windy Gap in 2009, Ellie Reich, went on staff with Uhuru about a year and a half ago and I'm so glad she asked me to join her team by praying for Uhuru.  What they are doing is LITERALLY making disciples of all nations and when I pray with them I get to be a part of something SO MUCH BIGGER than my laundry and my unwashed hair and my iPhone having glitches. 

Check out Uhuru's prayer blog here and join us in praying for Gladys and her family this month--watch this amazing video about what Uhuru is doing for her life join along in the redemptive work of Christ being done across the globe. 

day ten: praying BIG on our knees.

Every morning Brett prays and reads Scripture for 45 minutes.  Not 44 or 39 or even 46. 45.  My favorite mornings are when he has woken up before me and so the first thing I see is when I look over and there he is, on his knees. He is hands down the most disciplined, faithful person I know.  Where he is steady and reliable I am all over the place and inconsistent.  And he is also probably cringing reading this because he is also super humble.  But for the sake of Christ, he'll tolerate it.  Being married to him convicts me and teaches me and encourages me to be more like Jesus.

Now, don't get thinking we're all Leave it to Beaver or something because I could also write a blog about all the things he does that drive me crazy.  He could write an even longer one about things I do that make him crazy.

But one of the biggest gifts he has given me is a picture of a person who takes prayer seriously enough to storm the gates of heaven consistently and on his knees.  He is 6'6 so seeing him bow down is pretty profound. 

Today I spent an hour on my knees.  Now I know that in Matthew 6, Jesus criticizes the Pharisees in Scripture for "praying on street corners to be seen by men" but for the sake of this blog you get to come along with me into my hour of prayer today.  

At 11 a.m. I got news that our friend, Jay Whitaker, was going to have to have a really risky surgery.  Karis and I prayed while she jumped on the trampoline and before nap time.  At 3:41 I got a text from our friend Kristin that Jay was in surgery and both of the girls were sleeping so I got on my knees and opened my Bible because--can I be honest?--I didn't even know how to pray.  I had exhausted my "Jesus--Jay & Alex--Jesus" and "Please please please" prayers.

 (Karis praying for Jay & Alex: "Nank you Jesus for Jay and Alex and heal Jay's sick body and Alex's sad heart. Amen.")

In Bible study we are studying Matthew and today we read chapter 4.  So I decided to start just reading there and pray as He led me.  I got as far as Matthew 4:24 when He first got my attention:

"News about Him [Jesus] spread all over Syria, and people brought to Him all who were ill with various diseases, suffering severe pain, the demon possessed, those having seizures, and the paralyzed and He healed them."

I heard Him nudge me: "Meg. People brought people to Me to heal because they had CONFIDENCE that I could do it because they heard that I had done it before.  Do you have confidence?"  So, there, on my knees, I started praying more confidently.  And when the fear would creep into my prayers, I would think of those folks dragging their sick friends to Jesus FULLY EXPECTING Jesus to heal. And I was reminded that the point of being on my knees is to make myself smaller so that He can be bigger.  And as I get to know Jesus as BIGGER, praying confidently is just natural because it's not about me, the words I say to Him, it's just about who He is. 

I don't really know WHY, but somehow when I pray on my knees, I swear something different happens, something bigger.  I'm not saying it's magic or some kind of formula or something but I can tell you that something powerful happens there. In that posture of humbling myself before the King of Kings, prayer becomes different--no longer about me but entirely about Him.

And if nothing else, praying on my knees is joining along with the saints that have gone before me. Daniel prayed on his knees three times a day before he was thrown into the lion's den.  Solomon prayed on his knees during the building of the temple.  People like Billy Graham, Jim Rayburn from YL, Miss Johnson from BSF, Henrietta Mears made it a practice to pray on their knees and laid the foundation of the ministries they headed up on their knees.

At 5:45 p.m. I got another text: "Jay came through surgery just fine!  Thank you, Jesus!!!" Thank you, Jesus, indeed.  You did for us just exactly what You did for all those folks who brought their friends to you 2,000 years ago--You glorified Yourself in their healing but You also let me have front row seats to Your work from over here on my knees in prayer.

day nine: praying BIG for our children.

Karis was and still is a major paci girl.  She loves that paci.  Even though it's only allowed in her bed, she will find a loophole to get it if she can.  Haddie, on the other hand, is not a paci girl.  It was pretty hysterical in those first few months as we tried to shove that thing in her mouth.  What I love about her is that she will let us know very clearly what she likes and doesn't like and one thing she didn't like was a paci.  When we finally gave up on that, she started sucking her ring & middle finger.  I thought it would pass and eventually she would give in to the more popular finger for sucking, the thumb.  Nope.  At 6 months old, one of my favorite things to watch her do is suck those two little fingers.

This weekend, my mom and brother were here for Karis' birthday party and on Sunday we all hung out in our jammies and ate scones and looked at old picture albums.  It was awesome.  This one picture of me at 6 months old caught my eye:

(Me on top, circa November 1982 and Haddie below, September 2013.)

And then I saw this one and recognized that smile and those eyes in my oldest girl:

(Me on the left right before my 3rd birthday and Karis on the right, right before her 3rd birthday.)

Genetics is a crazy thing, huh?  And even though I certainly didn't teach Haddie how to suck these two little fingers or Karis how to smile, I was struck by the way our kids are a mirror of us in so many ways and how we have the totally undeserved position of authority in their lives that we can use to either pass down good or bad.

No parent ever sets out to pass down bad things to their kids, right?  I didn't, at least.  We have two dogs.  They are lovely in many ways.  Sam was an answer to prayer (I should write a post about that) and Libby is SO good with kids.  But in this season of life, they just bug the mess out of me.  They stay outside most of the day, but when they come inside I'll often yell at them and certainly over react to them doing annoying things like eating crayons and eating food off the counter.  I'll never forget the first time Karis yelled at Libby.  "Libby, no!" She didn't just say the exact words I say (that's easy enough), she said it with the exact intonation that I say it.  And it hit me.  I've taught my child to yell.  Fail.

But there are other things that we've passed down that I am proud of.  Like loving people. Almost every morning Karis says "Who we going to see this day, mommy?" because she knows that a huge chunk of our time is spent investing in relationships.  She loves Bible stories and "God's true Word" as they say at BSF.  She says thank you (most of the time :)). She cuddles with and sings hymns to her dolls. And one day, I pray that she will love to pray and be devoted to the "greater work" (Oswald Chambers) that prayer is.

 (Karis singing "I Love to Tell the Story" to her bunny rabbit.)

My grandmother put together the scrapbooks that my mom and brother and I were looking through on Sunday and one of the best things about it is all the letters she saved that my mom and her had written back and forth.  When I found this one from my grandmother (read it under the picture below), I literally wept.  You see, the spiritual legacy that has been passed down to me from my family (which is farrrrr from perfect) has been the result of years of diligent, heartfelt, sacrifical prayers said for me ever since I was little.  Praying BIG for our children is passing down a spiritual inheritance that cannot be taken away.

(Me and grandma in 1987.)

Dearest Megan,                                                                                     April 2, 1987

Your Grandpa & I love you so much. I’m so glad your Mom has been able to show you that for us. We’ve known you a long time, almost five years off and on; we’ve been fortunate to have you close enough to hold hands & read stories. Those times are very special for us.

When you were very little, even before you were born, your Grandpa, Mom, & I began to pray for you. We knew, before you were born, that you are a very special child. We could see right away when you were born and were a tiny baby, that our Heavenly Father, who we call God, had given you a perfect & beautiful body. We could see the doctor was right, you are stubborn, like we are. So we know you pretty well. When we’re not together, you & your Mom keep us up to date on what’s happening in your life, when we write letters & talk on the phone.

I remember when you & I welcomed Treat into your family. Do you remember how tiny he was then? You were SO tender & careful with him. You loved him right away. You learned how to care for him by the times you did right & the times you made mistakes. That’s how we all learn. Not one of us does the right thing often enough. Our Heavenly Father shows us His love by teaching us adults in our mistakes for which we are sorry and by those times we do right and we are grateful.

Your Mom and Dad show you their love for you and God’s love for you when they show you when you do things right and when you don’t. All the time, when you are awake & asleep, your Mom & Dad love you whether you are doing anything or not. They love you all the time because of who you are—a special wonderful child. That’s the way your Grandpa & I love you. We don’t know everything you do; sometimes we don’t know anything but we still love you & know you to be our lovely special Megan. Our Heavenly Father loves you even more than all of us love you, He loves you so much that He gave His only Son, our Lord Jesus Christ, so that you would know & love Him. He loved & loves you before you can love Him back. One day you will know Him the way your Mom knows Him now.

I bet you want to run away & play now because none of this makes sense. Well, no one understands any of this & God knows that better than we do. So He gave us a gift of faith. Because of that gift of faith, when you pray with your Mom & read the Bible, you will come to know who God and Jesus are for you. One way for you to see how God loves you is to look at your Dad & how he protects you & takes care of you. That’s God’s plan for fathers. God loves you through your Mom & see the way she holds you close & all the ways she has to show you her love. There are lots of people who love you in Southern Pines & here including your Grandpa & me. You just know that all the time. That’s God’s love for you.

When we pray we tell God about our feelings & wants. When we listen to Him, He tells us His feelings & wants. When I listen to Him, He wants me to tell you this, I believe He is saying something like this to you, Megan: “I love you. I’m proud of you. I’m here when you need me. I have a plan for your life. You can count on me. I will always take care of you. Nothing will happen to you that we can’t work out together. I trust your Mom & Dad to show you my love and my ways. Already, you know many things that are right & the ones that are wrong. See how much you have learned already. You know how many things work, you know about the feelings of laughter (tee-hee) & tears, you know about being mad & running away & being glad & running back. I’m proud of you when you choose the right & I’m patient when you choose wrong, & I’m proud that you know the difference. I love you when you’re silly. I love you all the time. I’m proud that you know what my love is even though it’s something you can’t really see or touch. I kiss & touch you in your heart and with the warmth of the sun, the wind & the rain & the gifts of beauty all around you.”

See you at the train real soon.

Love,

Grandma

day eight: praying BIG is praying together.

I love Friday mornings.  They start at 6:10 a.m.  Unlike folks like the wonderful Angela Conklin, I despise seeing any number before 7 on my clock in the morning.  And 7 is even pretty tough.  But I digress.

My first alarm goes off at 6:10.  This alarm just scares me, really and so in a frazzled haste, I silence it.  Three minutes later, it goes off again.  This time I'm a little more awake and silence it, knowing that I have two more alarms so I let myself relax again--and sometimes impressively fall back asleep--for two more minutes.  6:15 and it goes off again.  This time I'm awake and aware that if Brett is waking up because of this 4-alarms-nonsence, he is probably isn't super happy about it, so I silence it super fast.  Then I lay there for two more minutes just waiting for 6:17 because I know if I don't silence it before it goes off, my marriage may be in jeopardy. 

At 6:17 I brush my teeth, wash my face and pump.  If you don't know what pumping is, don't even worry about it.  It has to do with breastfeeding and even though breast feeding is a miracle, it's still crazy and maybe a blog about prayer isn't the place to delve into it.  Finish pumping, make a bottle for Brett to give Haddie when she wakes up, get dressed, grab my bag and keys, and slip out the back door in hopes to not wake either of the girls.

At 7 a.m. I get to Ann Reynold's house where there are Jelly Donuts (not actually donuts with jelly in them--those are dis.gust.ing--but donuts from a store called Jelly Donuts in Burlington--they are the BEST donuts) and coffee waiting for me.  Along with these people:

Well, give or take.  Sometimes there are more, sometimes less. And as much fun as 7 a.m. and Jelly Donuts and Ann's cozy living room are, we aren't there for that.  We are there to pray for the ministry of Young Life, specifically in Alamance County.

Every week, Ann starts us out in prayer and we all just popcorn-style start praying through the requests that we've shared for the ministry.  And as we get rolling, I inevitably start praying BIGGER and bigger as that sweet hour of prayer continues on.  Hearing the hearts and the prayers of fellow believers encourages my heart at a deeper level than words can process and gives me courage to pray bigger.

Praying with Brett is one of the most important (and easiest to not do) things we do together.  There is nothing that will get you talking at a soul level and dreaming together than talking to the Lord together.  Don't get me wrong, in the crazy of two kids and two dogs that need to be fed and cared for and toys that need to get picked up and years worth of laundry that needs to get folded and dishes needing to be washed, by the time the girls are down, praying together is the furthest thing from my mind to do. But ahhhh when we do, it's GOLD.  

 (This is what my house looks like right now. You're jealous, aren't you?)

As I've prayed about writing this post, the Lord brought to mind the early church.  Right after the disciples had encountered the risen Christ (<--Please, Jesus, help this MIRACLE that you defeated death & sin in your resurrection NEVER be dull to me!) they went upstairs together and as Acts 1:14 says, "They all joined together constantly in prayer, along with the women, and Mary the mother of Jesus, and with his brothers."  Praying together is part of what laid the foundation of the church.

Acts 2:42 -47 seems to me to be an overview of what that newborn church family looked like.  I love verses 42-43: "They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and prayer."  But then it's in Acts 4:23-31 that it gets real.  After some intense persecution, they all get TOGETHER to pray.  Here's their prayer:

They didn't just ask to be protected or for God's peace, which would have been GOOD things to pray for, but I can't help but wonder if praying TOGETHER gave them a boldness to ask for something BIGGER than themselves and their safety and their comfort.  They asked to be able to preach the Gospel with boldness and for miraculous signs and wonders to be done in Jesus' name--they saw beyond themselves and into a broken world in need of redemption and realized THEY were God's ambassadors in sharing the good news of redemption in Christ.

What I love is that by God's graciousness, I've been able to experience this same thing in prayer with my friends.  When I pray with other people, my prayers get bigger, braver, and more expectant.

When the believers stopped praying in Acts 4:31 it says that "the place where they were meeting was shaken. And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and spoke the word of God boldly."  They prayed BIG together and God showed up BIG.

So go find you some people.  Or just one person.  Pray with them and watch Jesus make those prayers turn from little to BIG.