Mama, you're a good maker.

WARNING: If you're hungry, don't read this.  I've eaten two helpings of ziti, one cookie, one cup of ice cream and a couple handfuls of Reese's pieces just while writing this blog.

One of my favorite things that I remember about growing up was cooking with my mom.  My mom did many things well but food was one of the things she did best.  She did it so well that she groomed me into becoming a bonafide "food diva" as Brett would say.  (A title that he gave me to give me a hard time because he wants to eat at Mayflower Seafood grease-pit-who-knows-where-that-seafood-came-from restaurant and I want to eat my favorite salad at the Village Grille, but I am proud of it nonetheless.)

But back to mom, I say she did food well for several reasons:

1. She made delicious food.  Still does.  Everything mom makes is a labor of love and you can taste every minute of effort in it.  Here are some of her recent amazing creations:

 
2. She taught us not only to eat our vegetables but somehow to LIKE them, too.  One of my favorite memories is when I went home for a weekend in college and she and my brother and I watched a season of Friends together and ate a pound of asparagus a piece for dinner.  It was AWE.SOME.

3. She let me cook with her.  I know that I was mostly in the way, but I distinctly remember where the ovens were located in each of the houses we lived in and how I would stand in the spot beside it watching her and asking questions and "helping."

4. She taught us to like food.  Which doesn't seem that difficult but all sorts of negative emotions are attached to food for many people, most especially girls in my experience, who feel the pressure to be thin or pretty or the like and to them food is their enemy.  I am so thankful that she gave that gift to me and spared me from the battle I have watched many girls and women I love fight.

And so as you can guess, with this kind of upbringing, I like to cook.  Now don't get me wrong, fixing dinner with a fussy baby on your hip and tired three year old at your ankles is not my idea of fun and we order pizza like the best of them, but on the whole, cooking is fun for me.

Since Haddie was born, Karis and I have had a lot more down time together.  In the mornings when we would have typically ran errands or gone on a play date or something of the sort, we are at home together while Haddie takes her morning naps.  Lots of mornings I passed out while she watched 19 episodes of Daniel Tiger because let's be honest, when you're nursing and trying to sleep-train and dealing with a colic-y infant, you don't have all sorts of extra energy to be Mrs. Pinterest.

But Karis loves all things crafty and so we have also logged tons of hours painting, making crafts, doing chalk in the front yard, ruining markers by leaving the lids off of them, and yes, baking and cooking.

One day I wanted cinnamon rolls so I asked Karis if she wanted to make some with me while Haddie napped and you would have thought I had invited her to Cinderella's ball as the guest of honor, she was so excited.  And so we rolled up our sleeves and made these amazing cinnamon rolls, that my mom (who else?) taught me how to make.

As we were making the cinnamon rolls with flour LITERALLY going everywhere (sorry to the people who will live in this house after us and will find flour in nooks in crannies of our kitchen forevermore), Karis turned to me and said, "Mama, you're a good maker." 

Out of the mouths of babes.

Oh my sweet three year old, thank you.  My precious girl has always been an encourager and when I get to be on the receiving end of that encouragement, it's the best.

In the months since she said it, that phrase, "Mama, you're a good maker." has echoed in my head.  And then the other day I read this blog by Ann Voskamp, about why your soul needs you to make time to be more creative, and this sentence stopped me in my tracks:

"God made woman TO BE A MAKER, to open her empty places and let life be knit from within her." 

Of my closest friends, five of them have had babies in the last year and one of them is so close to having her baby boy that she very well might be texting me right now that she's heading to the hospital.  I have had a front row seat to see God INCARNATE in these women who I love lay down their lives to be makers of babies.

But it's much more than making babies, right? We are all making things.  It's what we do.  I think about some of my friends in town right now.  My fantastic type A friend Katie makes lists.  My friend Ashley makes a budget stretch like WOAH. My crazy talented friend Jenny makes things on her sewing and monogramming machines.  Her sister, Sidney, makes beautiful art work with watercolors.  My friend Pam makes beautiful images with her photography.  My friend Crystie makes relationships happen in Young Life by pursuing people relentlessly with the Gospel.  My friend Casey makes magic happen on a computer while doing graphic design.  My friend Rachael (aka Rachypoo) makes gorgeous events like weddings and such get pulled off without a hitch.  My friend Ann makes BSF happen for 70 preschoolers every Wednesday.  My friends Olivia, Courtney and Katie make miracles happen as they serve as medical professionals. 

We're pretty aren't we?  (And humble, too. :))

But we are so much more than just makers of babies or food or crafts or anything else.  I don't think it's really about what we MAKE as much as it is that we are image bearers of THE MAKER.  Because we are made in His image and He is a Maker, then we get to carry that in us, too. And as I have reflected on that over the past few days I can't help but being overwhelmed at the thought that this is such a HOLY PRIVILEGE. 

"Let us make man in our own image, in our likeness." 

Genesis 1:26

Call the Midwife.

Kinda funny that my last post was about New Year's resolutions because this one's gonna be about Lent.  Which is hysterical because if not done with the right heart, Lent can just be making a Christian New Year's resolution.

And just like New Year's resolutions, I am no good at Lent either.  Well, at least with the giving something up thing.  So instead of taking something away to remind me of Christ's journey to the cross, I decided to add something--Scripture. So for those weeks in Lent, I marinated in some verses in Matthew, knowing that His Word never comes back void and always produces fruit.  And fruit it did produce, it just came when I least expected--while I was watching TV--the holiest of all spiritual disciplines.  :) 

This year, my heart was stuck in the garden of Gesthemane in Matthew 26:36-45 as Jesus faced head on the enormity of the task set ahead of Him.  Surrounded by His friends who loved Him but were weak and fell asleep instead of praying for Him, He poured out His heart to His beloved Father. He was preparing His heart for the transaction of the WHOLE WORLD'S SIN to be dumped onto Him--for Him to BECOME SIN (2 Corinthians 5:21)--as One who had never known sin. And to prepare Himself to take on the consequence of all of it, the worst of which I imagine being separation from His Father.

And as I meditated on those verses, I was overwhelmed, as I'm sure many Christians were this Lent, with the enormous gift Jesus gives us in the cross.  The righteousness I can't earn and don't deserve.  The sacrificial love.  The pain He endured and the comfort to know any pain I have or ever will feel, He has felt it ten fold.

But then, holy week came.  And, in an effort to really prepare my heart for the agony of Good Friday and the joy of Easter Sunday, I decided to catch up on Call the Midwife.  Obviously, I'm kidding but really I did watch Call the Midwife.  And you should, too.

Before I keep going, here's a SPOILER ALERT.  I'm about to ruin the end of episode 2 of season 3 so if you don't want to know, stop reading, run and watch it.  Do not collect $200.  Do not pass Go. Run, don't walk. 

I started watching Call the Midwife last year when Haddie was a couple weeks old which was not the smartest decision.  Haddie cried A LOT from day 3-week 10.  A lot.  And Call the Midwife, as the title suggests, is about child birth and a group of nuns and midwives in east London in the 50's.

Which means what you ask?  Lots of crying babies.

So there I would be watching Call the Midwife while Haddie was miraculously napping at the same time as Karis and every time a baby cried on the show my stomach would DROP thinking that Haddie was awake.  I'm not exaggerating.  It was torture, but the show is so good it was worth it.

7 week old Haddie.

Now fast forward back to holy week 2014.  It's midnight on Tuesday night and I can't stop watching Call the Midwife.  I'm snuggled into bed with earphones watching it on my iPad feeling a little bit like a sugar addict sneaking M&M's into bed.  The main story line in episode 2 is of a white woman, Doris, who had an affair with a black man and planned to have the baby in secrecy, give it up for adoption, and tell her husband that the baby had died so that he would never know about it.

Watching her labor (which they spare no details, so be warned when you watch it) and embrace her newborn after was almost as heart wrenching to watch as it was to watch her give her baby girl, who she names Carol, away.  To say that I was weeping as I watched is a massive understatement.  It was weeping + ugly crying all while trying to keep quiet so as not to wake Brett up.  I was a hot mess.

It took me back to the hospital on October 2, 2010 and March 27, 2013 when the doctors handed me my baby girls.  Holding them and realizing they were mine and I got to take them home.  Watching Brett hold them and sing to them.  Showing them off to the hospital staff and our friends and family that came to visit.  

What if, on those days, I had to give them away?

And every day, this happens, I know.  Women give their babies up for adoption all the time.  My friend, Katie, is a NICU nurse and sees it first hand.  Another friend I was a Young Life leader with who was in her 50's gave her first son up for adoption when she was in her 20's. I also have friends who have felt it on the flip side as they have fostered and adopted babies.  Giving babies up is real and hard no matter which way you twist it.

But back to the garden of Gesthemane.  Just as God had already revealed to me, Jesus was in fact giving up His life, His rights, His comfort, His privileges.  But at the same time, in the mystery of the Trinity, THE FATHER was also giving up His Son.  His only Son.  The Son He called "beloved" in Matthew 3:17.  The Son who was the firstborn of all creation. The Son He had never been apart from since before the beginning of the world.

And I can't help but wonder if it felt to the Father a bit like Doris felt giving up her dear Carol in Call the Midwife.  Heart wrenching.  Completely unnatural.  Unbearably painful.

But He didn't do it because He had made a mistake or because He had to like Doris.  He did it for me.  For you.  For us.  All of this brought to life for me a verse I've heard a million times, that we've taught our 3 year old to memorize, that is written on billboards all over in the south..."For God so loved the world that HE GAVE HIS ONLY SON that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

He gave up His baby.  For me.  For you.  For us.  That gift COST HIM in agony and sorrow and gut wrenching pain.  His generosity knows no limit.  And more than ever, I am begging for the grace to live with hands wide open to receive this gift He is giving me and that I would share it with every person within earshot of me. 

Basic Math.

In January when the world was busy making New Year's resolutions, I was exhausted and wondering what in the HECK I could ADD to my life that would make much sense.  I am grateful to live a fantastically full life and while I always want to have the heart of Mary to say YES to the God like she did when she was told she would be the virgin mother of the Messiah: "I am the Lord's servant, may it be to me as you have said." (Luke 1:38), I am also cautious to bite off more than I can chew.

And if we're being honest, simply having two kids and being married to a pastor was already more than I could chew.

Precious Karis has always been a talker, but around that time, she entered the non-stop talking and asking questions phase.  And y'all, the things she says are THE BEST, so this is a gift, but it'll also take it out of ya if you want to pursue your kids' heart and be intentional with your words.  I'm sure this blog will be full of Karis musings and wisdom.

And then there was sweet Haddie.  Sweet, sweet, LOUD Haddie.  My friend Casey just told me yesterday that they called her little sister "The Noise" when she was growing up and I'm totally stealing it for Haddie's new nickname.  She is hysterical and all over the place and makes me belly laugh even at a year old, but she does it all LOUDLY.  She also likes to frequently wake up for an hour in the middle of the night and SCREAM.  She's not sad.  Or in pain.  She just yells.  Like she knows we're all asleep and she wants to hang out and so she's gonna yell to get our attention until we get up and play with her.  After those nights, ain't nobody excited for New Year's resolutions or "Yay! What fun things can we do today?" It's more like, how much coffee can I consume and let's watch Frozen six times.

So that night in January, exhausted from the months of mothering these two little girls and supporting my husband as a new pastor at a new church, but under the pressure of other people's awe-inspiring resolutions, I wrote out a list of things I wanted to ADD to my life and a correlating column of things that I needed to SUBTRACT in order to do that.  Basic math, people.

On the SUBTRACT LIST:
--Less wasted time on facebook & instagram.
--No more plopping on the sofa as soon as the girls get in bed and watching a whole hour of TV I don't even like because I'm too lazy to find something I actually want to watch on Netflix.
--Find a new home for our dogs.  I love 'em but they are WORK.

On the ADD LIST:
--Some sort of intentional exercise.
--Consistent morning prayer before the girls wake up.
--Blogging.

So I started praying that God would help me eliminate the things on the Subtract List so that I could add all my fun things on my Add List.  And if I'm being honest, I wasn't quite sure that it would happen.  Especially finding the dogs a home.  We had been half-heartedly trying since Karis was born with no luck.

After a little while, I realized that thanks to two of my best friends giving up social media for Lent and the conviction I felt there, that social media started being less consuming.  And one day the Lord gave me the miraculous umph I needed to push myself past bedtime and to crash in the bed instead of watching meaningless TV.  But there were still the dogs.

The morning of Haddie's birthday, Naomi came to our house to meet Sam and Libby.  I got connected with her through Stephanie, who I knew through Young Life while she was at Elon.  We thought she was going to meet the dogs and see if she liked one and best case scenario, she would take one of them.

SHE TOOK BOTH. OF. THEM. 

That night, after Haddie's party and going to a beautiful wedding, Brett and I laid in bed in awe of the fact that we finally had a dog free house.  And then I realized that He had done it.  God had taken care of my Subtract List for me.

Which was AWESOME.  Except now it meant I had to start with my Add List.  It's been a month since then (happy one month anniversary, Kaitlin and Clay!) and I've failed to start any of the three things.  I'm the best, and I mean THE BEST, at making excuses.  But today, I heard the Lord say "Quit. Whatever you're doing that's keeping you away--quit it."

So I did.  I grabbed my computer and wrote this blog.  Because with God's grace and His provision, I'm gonna do this again.  And if you want to come along, you are cordially invited!

"I AM THE LORD'S SERVANT. MAY IT BE TO ME AS YOU HAVE SAID!"

days nineteen through thirty: thankful for GRACE

Welp that was a fail.  November thankfulness blog didn't really happen, huh?

Or maybe it did.  For eighteen days.  And maybe that was good, even though it wasn't all that I had hoped it would be.

What I have learned and am learning and will continue to learn throughout my life is this:

All is grace.

And so I think that will cover days nineteen to thirty pretty well.  :)

days thirteen through eighteen

day thirteen: 3 gifts BEHIND A DOOR

1. Preacher husband practicing his sermon.

2. My precious girls napping.

3. This is what is behind the door of the handicap stall in the women's bathroom at the Angus Barn.  EXCUSE ME?  Ah.maz.ing.  I was so excited I literally spent fifteen minutes in there.

day fourteen: 3 gifts SILENT

1. Adding back the dream feed...nursing Haddie in the dark of night and the quiet of her room.

2. That glorious occassion when 3 out of the last 4 days were crazy mornings being gone and driving to other cities but meant long naps for both girls (and mama!) in the afternoon.

3.  Staying up later than Brett on purpose so I could have a few minutes where it's so quiet the clock ticking sounds like it's being broadcast on a microphone.

day fifteen: 3 gifts GOLDEN

1. Gorgeous fall sun...even though it sets too early.  Meanwhile I'm going to try to get on the Today Show with a picture of our sunrise.  One of these days... #TODAYsunrise

2. Karis & Haddie's golden locks/mohawk.

3. Mom's James Avery Cross of Calvary necklace.  I grew up loving this simple reminder of truth always around her neck.

day sixteen: 3 gifts HARD EUCHARISTEO

1. Nursing Haddie.  

It's a JOY but it's also HARD. 

Lots of people love nursing--most of my friends do--and even though it's sweet and I'm beyond grateful that I get to and that I can produce milk it's still exhausting. 

2. Being a pastor's wife.  

It's a JOY but it's also HARD.  

To serve Jesus in this season by getting two beautiful girls ready to go to church 35 minutes away and missing naps and watching dvd's in the car and missing old friends while meeting new friends while bouncing a baby during the whole service and my back is aching but then hearing sweet Karis asking if she can listen to daddy preach and then actually getting to listen to daddy preach and the truth that comes out of his mouth as he points us all to Jesus and the long ride home just saying "THANK YOU" to Jesus that this is the role I get to play in the Kingdom.

3. Praying hard for friends hurting deeply. 

It's a JOY but it's also HARD.

day seventeen: 3 gifts LAUGHTER

1. These friends having breakfast at Panera and laughing so loud that people moved booths to get away from them.  I love all of them so much that I wasn't even mad that I wasn't there. :)

2. Karis making Haddie laugh.  Everyone else has to work to make Haddie laugh.  Not Karis.

3. Laughing at Brett after Karis dressed him up in her clothes and sunglasses.  6'6 man in 3T clothes and toddler size 7 Crocs and zebra print sunglasses.  He is such a good daddy.

day eighteen: 3 gifts MADE, SHARED, PASSED ON

1. MADE: Ellie Holcomb's new album.  Give money here (and get cool stuff!) to help it get released.

2. SHARED: Mom's blueberry scone recipe.

3. PASSED ON: Almost all of Karis' clothes are from someone else.   Thank you Kristin and Mauri and Angela/Gretchen for passing on your adorable girls' clothes!

day ten, eleven & twelve: SCRIPTURE, REMEMBRANCE, NOON

day ten: gifts from SCRIPTURE

1. Deuteronomy 33:12

 

"Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in Him, for He shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between His shoulders."

2. Exodus 33:14

  "The Lord replied, 'My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest."

3. Isaiah 43:1-5

"But now, this is what the Lord says--

he who created you, O Jacob, 

he who formed you, O Israel, 

'Fear not for I have redeemed you, I have summoned you by name, you are mine.  

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; 

and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  

When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; 

the flames will not set you ablaze.  

For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior, 

I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead.  

Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, 

I will give men in exchange for you, and people in exchange for your life. 

Do not be afraid, for I am with you; 

I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west." 

day eleven: gifts of REMEMBRANCE

1. Two of my favorite veterans.

 

2. The three best days of my life--when God added my three favorite people into my life and made us a family:

 April 8, 2006: Happy wedding day!

October 2, 2010: Happy birthday, Karis Ann!

 

March 27, 2013: Happy birthday, Haddie Jo!

3. Remembering God's promises.

"I will be with you." 

"I will lead you." 

"I love you." 

"I intend good and not evil for your life." 

"You are mine." 

"I am coming back for you." 

"My peace I give you."

 day twelve: gifts at NOON

1. "Impromptu" lunch at Moe's with so many of my favorite people at the same time.

2. Jenny wasn't sick today and got to come to lunch!

3. Driving to Moe's in our van Miss Pam's van :)--a gift from God and proof of God's provision.

day seven, eight & nine: WINDOW, TASTY & HARVEST

day seven: gifts from my WINDOW

1. Driving down our old street.

2. In the backyard.

3. At 6:45 a.m. on my way to prayer for Young Life. 

day eight: gifts SIPPED, SWEET, SALTY

1. gift SIPPED

"Somehow, Jesus, I like praying with a cup of coffee in my hands.  I guess the warmth of the cup settles me and speaks of the warmth of your love.  I hold the cup against my cheek and listen, hushed and still.  I blow on the coffee and drink. O Spirit of God, blow across my little life and let me drink in Your great life."  --Richard Foster

2. gift(s) SWEET

3. gift SALTY

 (Image borrowed from here.)

I had my first salted caramel mocha tonight with one of my best friends, Crystie.  It was wonderful and worth every one of the 330 calories and 51 grams of carbs.  Every single one.  The time sharing life with my friend whose heart breaks for lost people and is deeply passionate about sharing the Gospel through genuine relationships was even better.  

day nine: gifts HARVEST

1. Apples & sweet potatoes. 

 (Image borrowed from here.)

  (Image borrowed from here.)

I'm about to make homemade applesauce and sweet potato baby food tomorrow so I bought these in bulk at Harris Teeter today.  (Which is starting to rival Costco/BJ's/Sam's Club with all their samples.  Karis is a huge fan.)  The word "ABUNDANT" kept coming to mind as I looked at the mounds of apples and sweet potatoes all over the produce section.

Also, I would have taken my own pictures except I left my phone at home.  Which was the wrong time to do that because I left Brett at home with Haddie napping and instructions to call me when she woke up.  I may or may not have asked a total (but incredibly kind) stranger if I could borrow their phone to call Brett while I was in the check out line.  #fail

2. Answered prayers for soul friends.

In 2007, I started praying for friends my age.  I had a handful of friends who are older than me and a plethora of friends younger but in 2007 I just felt a longing for friends closer to my season of life.  So I started praying for them.    

 

That year, I started going to BSF and met my best friend (aka BSF BFF :)), Ashley, there.  (This was after I got over my trying not to get to know anyone phase.)  We literally went to Panera every Thursday morning before BSF until we had kids.  I'll never forget realizing that the Lord had answered my prayers through Ashley.  I was getting to see the harvest and I was overjoyed.

But because we serve a God who is ABUNDANT, and as Anne Lamott says, likes to show off, He didn't stop there.  Since then, He has added to the harvest and I am beyond blessed to call these women my dear friends.

 3. The harvest in Alamance County Young Life.

I remember the first time I saw Derrica Barbee in 2004.  She was a freshman in high school, a girl with a beautiful smile and a personality big enough to fill the cafeteria we were in.  Everyone loved Derrica.  Seriously, everyone.  It's still true today and probably the reason she was voted Homecoming Queen at Southern Alamance and also in college at Wake Forest.  When I finally said hi to her that day she was so kind, even as a "too cool" teenager.  We talked about her going to camp at Sharp Top Cove that summer and she ended up coming.  She met the Lord there and the girl who was happy and nice changed to become explodingly, purposely JOYFUL and it was contagious. 

 

In the following months, she would write me notes and hand them to me at football games and at lunches at school and when I would pick her up for Young Life club--full of questions about God and new discoveries about life with Christ.  

We were friends and I loved it.  We stayed friends as she walked through the rest of high school and college, figuring out who she was in Christ, how to live for Him, choosing Him over the world, serving Him without needing to please others, and becoming a beautiful picture of Christ to a dying world.  

This summer, Derrica was back in town and we snapped this picture together.  That day she told me she wanted to go into ministry on Young Life staff and I wept.  Thrilled for her.  Overjoyed for the Kingdom.  Excited for the kids whose lives she will impact.  And HUMBLED to be a part of her story.

Jesus said something odd to a few fishermen one day: "Come follow me and I will make you fishers of men."  (Matthew 4:19)  And somehow this made sense to them and they set out to follow Jesus and fish for men.  And OH THE HARVEST THEY SAW, Y'ALL.  

And 2,000 years later I get to see bits of the same harvest in the lives of girls like my dear friend, Derrica.

And God is still at it, y'all.

This is a picture of the 118 high school kids who went to Young Life camp at Carolina Point last weekend.  Their Young Life leaders pursued the crap out of them and we prayed like crazy for them to get there and hear the Gospel.  Lives were changed that weekend for eternity.

Oh what a harvest, indeed.